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Parenting can be difficult at the best of times. No two children are alike, they do not come with manuals, and as soon as we think we have them figured out, a new curveball is tossed our way. Navigating our own stresses while trying our best to raise kind, successful, productive adults is overwhelming, confusing, and downright exhausting. Parenting advice is everywhere and whether you ask for it or not, you will receive it at some point. Advice can be contradictory, it can seem foreign, and it can give rise to feelings of inadequacy, stress, and fear. I am here to say, take it all with a grain of salt. Take the advice that works for you and leave the rest behind. There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Just when we finally feel like we have our footing, our children become teenagers. Our children enter this weird stage of needing us and pushing us away, rapid brain development, hormones, crazy emotions, identity development, and navigating the social structures in their lives. They may grunt at you more than they talk to you, they may isolate in their rooms, they may talk back more, and it all seems to change overnight. You are left wondering, what happened to my baby and who is this person in front of me? I often get asked how to talk to teenagers as parents struggle to bridge the newfound gap that seems to open up and swallow their talkative child, spitting out a standoffish, isolated, and sometimes hostile teen!

The first thing is ALWAYS leave the door open, don’t stop talking to them even if you have to become fluent in grunts, nothings, and I don’t knows. This is a time when your patience may wear thin and is tested, however, it is important as you navigate the bumps, twists, and turns in this wild ride we call adolescence. Just know that even though they might not be talking, they are still listening. So, when they are talking to us in words and full sentences, what do we do? We will not necessarily understand them, agree with them, or even want to hear the things they are saying, however, it is important to sit with them, and listen. If they have been brave enough to walk through the door we have left open for them, we need to listen to genuinely hear them. 

Don’t listen to respond, just listen to them and to what they are saying. Avoid shame and blame, even as your eyes roll back in your head, and you cannot believe what you are hearing. They are sharing their experiences, fears, ideas, and dreams with you but, if they do not feel safe, they will stop. Judgement has no place here. Does that mean as a parent you have to keep your thoughts to yourself? Absolutely not. Timing, tone, body language, and how we word what we are saying are imperative here. Teenagers, yeah, the ones who cannot seem to get their socks in the laundry hamper, have all your spoons in their room, and leave empty boxes in the pantry can read every single nuance in our conversations. Practice your poker face but don’t be too stoic. It is all about balance. 

Sometimes our teens want advice and sometimes they just need someone to care and listen. Validate them, respect their views, and as much as you want to pave a safe secure path for them, free of cracks, detours, bumps, and potholes, we cannot fix everything for our teens. We must sometimes let them stumble and regain their footing. This is their world and we get to be a part of it, but it is scary to watch them fall. It was much easier when we could scoop them up, give them a hug, put a Band-Aid on their knee, and wipe away their tears. Now we have a front-row seat as they walk into the fire, looking back at us and waving as they blindly and excitedly enter places that we know are going to burn them a little. If we are patient, they will come sit beside us as they tend to their new wounds. 

However, what do we do if they don’t talk to us at all? Firstly, never give up. Ask them every day how school was, even if you only get the wonderful one-word answer “fine” 5 days a week. While not to be taken too literally, lock them in the car! This means, taking the opportunity to drive them to school, work, or their friends’ houses. This time in the car is great for conversations as they cannot go anywhere. Better yet, drive their friends’ places too. It is amazing what you can learn if you listen to a car full of excited teens. Have dinner at the table, watch their extracurricular events, and ask them about their hobbies (even if you know nothing about the latest video game or social media – be curious). Don’t be afraid to be silly around them, even if they roll their eyes and say “cringe”. If you pay attention, behind that tough teen exterior, you will see a glimmer of your baby laughing at your silliness. 

I told you above to take advice with a grain of salt, so who am I to tell you how to talk to your teen? I could recite the classes I have taken, the credentials I have, and the books I have read. However, I won’t. I am a single parent to four teenage boys, all so uniquely different, that I do not know if I am coming or going some days. I have the expertise and yet, some days I am overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, and am trying to do the best I can with the chaos. We are all here, trying to do the best we can with what we have at any given moment (even our teens). Hold them close, be kind to yourself, and know that you will make it through this thing we call the teenage years. Love them and let them know they are always safe with you (emotionally, mentally, and physically) and the rest is gravy. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help, a fresh take on the situation, or a shoulder to cry on.